Can Estrangement be Biblical?

When I was growing up, most of my extended family lived less than 45 minutes from us. The range of experiences with those people included “love” characterized by favoritism, convenience, apathy, and yes, estrangement.

When I was a young child, one of my dad’s brothers, Alvin,* had a disagreement with my grandfather, and he estranged himself from the entire family. We’re talking Christmas cards returned unopened, ignore you at the grocery store, phone numbers blocked.

 Alvin’s decision never made sense to me – how do you disagree with concrete receipts and facts?! His estrangement always seemed petty, the extreme end of having to be right. And hypocritical – he continued to go to church, call himself a “born again Christian,” and maintain a persona as someone who “puts family first.” 

He rejected every opportunity to make amends with my grandfather. He refused every chance to reconcile with anyone else, and when he died unexpectedly at age 57, his 20 years of silence became permanent.

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After a particularly brutal couple of months supporting my husband as he dealt with his biologicals,** I stumbled upon Philippians 2.5-8 where Paul is urging the church in Philippi to love in humility since they are image-bearers of Jesus. I found myself asking the question, “what does ‘love in humility’ mean? What does that look like?”

As I pondered this, my Spotify randomly shuffled Pieces by Bethel Music. Around the three-minute mark, the lyrics grabbed ahold of my brain. I started the song over, mouth agape, as I listened to what humble love that imitates Jesus looks like.

It’s bold. Not shy. Not ashamed. It’s proud to be seen with me. It doesn’t manipulate. It’s obvious to others. It’s not given in parts, and it’s not doled out according to my behavior. It’s not promised and then taken back. It’s not fractured or troubled or anxious. It’s not passive. It’s engaged and present and intentional. It hangs on every word I say, and it keeps its promises. It honors what God deems sacred. It is secure, not selfish. It is not hidden.

I sat there, stunned.

The “love” that my husband had experienced from his parents in this time frame was the exact opposite. It was ashamed of him and unwilling to be expressed. It was manipulative and doled out according to his willingness to agree with their narrative. It was promised and then withheld. It was absolutely fractured! Passive. Disengaged and uninterested. It did not listen. It disrespected and disfigured what God has deemed precious, namely my husband, myself, and our baby. It was selfish.

As for me, my in-laws had confessed that, “Ava is hard to love.” It’s why they haven’t spoken to me in 3.5 years. It’s why they do not say my name. I have not experienced love from them – ever.

As TR + I contemplated the consequences of this reality, the Lord directed me to another verse.

Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness, who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.

Isaiah 5.20 (CSB)

Again, I sat there, stunned.

This is a warning for our stalkers, our abusers, our manipulators. Absolutely. It’s a warning to the hypocrites, the Pharisees, the self-righteous, and the legalistic. Yes.

But it’s also a warning for me. For those of us in these profoundly broken and abusive relationships. Woe to us who call their evil good and their darkness Godly; woe to us who substitute God’s definition of love for theirs; and woe to us who accept their bitterness and refuse God’s sweetness for our lives.

Dictionary.com defines “estrangement” as “the state of being separated or removed.”

AV1611.com defines “estrange” as “to keep at a distance; to withdraw; to cease to frequent and be familiar with.”

In the Bible, we see the repeated theme of estrangement – grown adults, supposedly mature in faith, consciously and repeatedly making the decision to separate themselves from Goodness Himself.

Adam and Eve. Cain. Abraham and Sarah. Jacob. Moses. Saul. David, at times. Solomon, Sampson, Jonah, and the people of Israel more times than we can count. Judas. Peter, for a moment. The disciples as a whole on occasion. John Mark and Paul.

Of course, God is a perfect parent, and He pursued reconciliation. He considered each of these children “Beloved,” and He was after their heart. He would not settle for less than knowing every fiber of their being.

This side of eternity, though, our earthly fathers aren’t Perfect Goodness. Our mothers are not Perfect Love. And when grown adults choose to separate themselves from earthly parents, those parents often do not pursue reconciliation.

One study found that the leading causes of adult children estranging themselves from parents were emotional abuse, mismatched expectations, clash in values, and neglect.

And while the specific circumstances that led to our estrangement with my husband’s family are mostly not mine to share, it’s important to name the reality we live.

We live estranged from the people who raised my husband.

And this is a good and holy and Biblical decision.

My husband has a lot in common with Jesus – they both grew up in a culture and environment where people were identified by their family and their upbringing. They both grew up in places where their community felt entitled to define them.

As adults, Jesus and TR acted differently than those people expected, and they claimed to be someone different than their families and communities labeled them. The people who claimed to love them became offended, disparaging their character and dismissing them altogether. Not interested in doing relationship, no one believed TR or Jesus, and no one believed in them, either.  

In Jesus’ story, his community tried to kill Him. One commentator remarked that this was evidence of their pattern of life. “Yes, they were eager to hear a good sermon and to give alms to the poor. They were good synagogue people, or church people, but they were not godly people,” they wrote. “The actions of these men and women revealed that their pattern of life was just like…the adulterous woman in [Proverbs 31].”

And like Jesus’ experience, TR’s story is also full of good church people justifying their conduct and verbally assaulting him (and me).

I’ve said this to you before, beloved child of God, and I will continue to say it: there is nothing Biblical or Godly about love that harms or enables harm.

Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is leave – to remove yourself from those who do not seek your heart, to no longer be familiar with those you once were.

Jesus left.

He turned His back to His family. He gave them two warnings, two corrections, two opportunities to soften their hearts. And then He left, paving the way for Paul to write the following release to Titus:

Reject a divisive person after a first and second warning. For you know that such a person has gone astray and is sinning; he is self-condemned.

Titus 3.10-11 (CSB)

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When Alvin left the family, it was in anger. He was determined to be right and prove his point. I don’t think he cared who got hurt in the process. His was an estrangement rooted in pride and self-deceit, a decision he refused to reverse in arrogance.

For many of us, though, estrangement arrives because our parents force us to choose between them and God. In this case, estrangement is absolutely Biblical. Like Jesus, sometimes the paths the Lord has ordained for us require walking away from our parents, families, and communities of our childhood. It makes us better reflections of Him.

For TR + I, sinning to be in contact with his family isn’t an option. A relationship that depends on us denying who God is and who we are in Him isn’t something we are willing to engage in. 

Biblical estrangement is fluid. It’s a boundary that can shift when repentant hearts seek you out, offering true apologies, and extend belief in who you are and what you say. That was Jesus’ story – it took three years, but His family came to Him.

And even if that’s not our story, even when estrangement is a long-term or permanent boundary, it’s not punishment. Not manipulative. Not leverage or an attempt to modify someone else’s behavior. It’s not done in vengeance or anger. Biblical estrangement is heartbreaking, life-altering, and deeply painful. While life grows around the grief, it is always present.

It is sin to know the good and yet not do it.

James 4.17 (CSB)

Yes, estrangement can be Biblical. Yes, estrangement can reflect the heart of God. Yes, estrangement can be the most God-glorifying, parent-honoring, agreeing-with-God decision you ever make.

At its core, Biblical estrangement is a boundary we draw so that we don’t break our covenant with God.

If you are considering estrangement, proceed slowly with this decision. Be thoughtful. Use discernment. Seek wisdom. And don’t let anyone tell you that all estrangement is sinful.

*Name changed for privacy

**TR has a hard time referring to the people who raised him as “parents." By abdicating their God-given role to protect and nurture and love him, they forfeited that title, and for this reason, they are his biologicals.