Boundaries, Family, and the Fruit of the Spirit

I’ve recently become a fan of dates – blame the baby. And aside from the fact that they taste like candy, this fruit of the palm continues to fascinate me. For example, these slow-growing trees can take eight years to produce fruit, and it can take an entire decade for a tree to have a harvestable yield. And get this - the dates on the same tree do not all ripen at the same time – each tree must go through multiple harvests in the same season.

In the Bible, dates – and the date palm – are a symbol of righteousness, strength, victory, and prosperity. The Old Testament is full of references comparing flourishing palms to the righteous people of God.

Yet, when it comes to Christians, we don’t often see them producing fruit in harsh climates. We don’t often see them producing fruit at all, actually. There is an obvious lack of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control, even giving grace upon grace for our humanity. 

In our world today, Christians look a lot more like the beautiful Bradford pear tree, producing impressive flowers, but stinking of death and never producing fruit.

A fruiting date palm

A Bradford pear tree - blossoms and no fruit

If you’ve spent any time at all with a blog article from KLM, you know we love a definition, especially when it comes to commonplace and/or overused terms in Christianity, so let’s start with what the Fruit of the Spirit truly is!

Love

the enduring commitment to be with and to be for another person; an action that shows no favoritism and treats each person as the cherished image of God they are

Joy

a delight that stems from gratitude at encountering the goodness and beauty of God

Peace

exemption from the rage and havoc of the world; a security and safety because of the assurance that our soul has been saved and freed

Patience

a refusal to pass quick judgement or respond in anger; a commitment to supporting others as they grow

Kindness

an active participation in offering others true Life through generosity and love

Goodness

the decision to trust and follow our Creator’s instructions, choosing to see the good God breathed into all creation, including humanity

Faithfulness

an active refusal to be self-sufficient; the continual willingness to tell God, “not my will, but Yours”

Gentleness

carrying others close to our heart, bearing their burdens with tender care; bringing healing and rest to the broken-hearted with a gentle whisper

Self-control

avoiding that which harms our mind, heart, body, and soul, even when we desire it deeply

And we need to be on the same page regarding one more thing – it’s fruit. Singular. Not fruits. There is no plural here. You don’t get to have one without the other. If you’re growing in one, you’re growing in them all.

This is right. This is Biblical. This is consistent with the life of Jesus and the first disciples and the early church teachings.

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While the history and context of Biblical rightness, otherwise known as righteousness, is long and winding and absolutely worth your attention, for the purposes of this article, we’re going to use a definition from The New Dictionary of Theology.

Righteousness

behavior appropriate of a member of the people of God

Thankfully, we live under the New Covenant, the New Testament, and Jesus has fulfilled the lengthy list of laws, rules, and regulations that formerly defined righteousness.

Today, appropriate Christian behavior is listed in Galatians 5.22-23. Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Gentleness. Self-control. It’s called “fruit.” And actions – and people – that glorify God are ones that bear much fruit (John 15.8).

In fact, the Psalms compare the righteous to a date palm – in the same way a date palm produces much fruit, the life of the righteous person bears much fruit!

And the Bible permits us to judge the fruit of others (Matthew 7.16-20). In fact, it is the only thing we are allowed to assess and judge in the lives of our brothers and sisters!

So I began wondering – how do I use the Fruit of the Spirit to rightly assess my behavior, as well as the behavior of others?* How do boundaries and the Fruit of the Spirit co-exist in toxic environments with harmful people?

In the wake of a series of disastrous conversations with my in-laws in the first couple years of my marriage, I found myself meditating on the definitions above and taking a hard look at my interactions with the Hoffman clan...

I’d spent months trying to figure out who they wanted me to be, and I’d tried to become that. When I learned they believe tension is wrong, I followed their lead and ignored hard situations. Conflict was a sin, and their gaslighting and manipulation showed me that conflict resolution wasn’t going to be an option. I did my best to earn love, accepting that it was conditional. I made myself small, trying to fit into the mold they gave me.

It wasn’t right. I was not behaving like a member of God’s covenant people, and I found myself coming up fruitless when the Spirit began asking me questions.

Does this decision pursue unconditional embrace?

I had given up on being embraced; I was just seeking acceptance or at the bare minimum, acknowledgement that I exist.

Do these words bring gladness without ignoring hard situations?

I was in full blown denial and ignoring what was happening.

Will this create space for reconciliation?

True reconciliation would require honesty, and that wasn’t part of our relationship at all.

Am I committed to long-suffering as I wait on the Lord in this situation?

Most of my prayers at this time consisted of begging God to just fix it – fix them.

Does this communicate deep affection?

Tender attachment was not my goal – being acknowledged as a living breathing human was.

Is this reflective of my deep desire to be a blessing?

There was no way I could bless this family by denying who I was and how God created me.

How well does this reveal my agreement with God about who I am and who they are?

I wasn’t in agreement with God at all – I had accepted everything they said about me.

Does this reflect my desire or God’s desire?

It was my desire entirely – I hadn’t even bothered to seek God’s heart in these relationships, believing instead that my in-laws spoke for God when they said this was a sacred relationship that must be preserved at all costs.

I was a Bradford pear tree – looking splendid and yet, smelling like death. I felt like death on the inside, too. I was fruitless, and I looked nothing like the righteous and sweet date palm I was designed to be.

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Here’s the most curious thing to me about the date palm: in order to flourish, it requires a soil that holds moisture and is free from calcium carbonate.

Do you know where calcium carbonate likes to accumulate?

In sand.

And do you know what type of soil is the worst at holding moisture?

Sand. 

Now guess what climate date palms exclusively grow in.

Yep.

The desert.

Which is made of – you got it.

SAND.

One of the most ancient plants in the world has spent thousands of years thriving in environments that seem counter-productive to their life, to their purpose, to their design.

And still, they persist. Growing 110 feet into the air, living for 110 years, and producing 300 pounds of fruit each season.

Surely, if the Lord designed a plant to do this, He also intended for me, His image-bearer to do this, right?!

But with each “conversation” with my in-laws, the desert seemed more and more inhospitable. The hostility only grew.

“You’re too sensitive.”

“We don’t ignore Ava.”

“Of course we listen to you.”

“We didn’t mean it that way.”

“Maybe one day you’ll believe us.”

“You need to see the good in us and trust that our intent and motivations were good instead of nit-picking our actions.”

Then, one day, we told them about my newest diagnosis and how my doctors had given me 10 years to live. We told them I wasn’t going to turn 35. And they quit speaking to me altogether. They quit asking TR about me.

In the eyes of my in-laws, I was already dead, and they weren’t upset about it at all.

Lie after lie and cruelty after cruelty, the calcium carbonate coated sand stacked up around the root system of this “family,” choking the life from my in-laws already fragile relationship with my husband and destroying completely what little connection there was with me.

Did their decision to cut me out pursue unconditional embrace?

No. No, it did not.

Did their words bring gladness without ignoring hard situations?

There were no words to me, so no. And their small talk conversations with TR absolutely ignored the reality of what was happening.

Did that response create space for reconciliation?

No. Ignoring part of a whole will never lead to reconciliation.

Were they committed to long-suffering in this relationship?

It didn’t seem like it – the gossip and lies they told their church friends always made its way back to us.

Does this reflect a deep desire to be a blessing to us?

Nope! In fact, TR + I had to set boundaries with them because they hoped to be divisive in our marriage.

How well does this reveal their agreement with God about who we are and who they are?

They revealed they don’t even believe in unconditional love, so there’s definitely a foundational lack of agreement with God.

Whose desire does this reflect – theirs or God’s?

Sure, they claim to want peace and harmony and unity, which is Biblical. But the way they require it doesn’t match the heart of God revealed in Scripture.

When calcium carbonate stacks up, it forms stone. It calcifies the arteries and makes it impossible for water and nourishment to penetrate the heart. How were we supposed to live with and have relationship with such hardened and cemented people?

Do you know what washes away calcium carbonate from sand granules?

Water.

And what washes away the sins and stains of our actions and those done to us?

Living Water.

So we filled our vessels with Living Water, begging Him to rain down, clear the soil, and wash away that which was choking us.

We didn’t mean the actual people when we prayed that – truly, we didn’t! We thought family preservation was God’s desire, that reconciliation with the Hoffman clan was what His heart was after.

Turns out, His heart was after us.

No longer was He content with showy flowers and impressive blooms while we stank of people-pleasing, agreement with lies and evil, and idolatry of peace and family ties. He was no longer gracious towards our decisions to twist His character, lower the bar for righteous living, and accept a perverted version of imago dei.

The Lord uprooted us, washing us to a new land where we could be planted in a mature date palm grove, growing deep systems that would support a plentiful harvest.

And in the wake of this unexpected estrangement (and I mean unexpected!), the Spirit walked us through the Fruit of the Spirit once more.

Do these boundaries pursue unconditional embrace?

Yes. They allow us to pursue God with no restraints, and they allow us to recover a view of the Hoffmans as cherished image bearers.

Does this estrangement bring gladness without ignoring the hard reality?

It does! The gratitude of a weight-lifted was overwhelming, and the distance allowed us to heal and encounter the goodness of God once again.

Does estrangement create space for reconciliation?

Surprisingly, yes. It exempted us from the rage of the Hoffmans and the havoc they wreck. Our freedom allowed us to process wisely and slowly.

Are we committed to long-suffering as we wait on the Lord in these relationships?

Yes, we are. We have no timeline, just a deep desire for their growth. We have no desire for self-sufficiency or to fix them.

Do these boundaries reflect our desire to be a blessing?

They do. We cannot offer others generosity and love while being abused, neglected, and cursed. We cannot usher others into abundant Life and bear their burdens while being crushed under our own.

Does a decision to be estranged reveal agreement with God about who we are and who they are?

Yes. It is a decision to trust and follow our Creator’s instructions. It is an abiding trust to see God’s good breathed into a lifeless place.

Does this decision reflect our desire or God’s desire?

It reflects God’s heart. He detests anything that prevents us from partnering with Him in His glory, and that includes family. There is no room for idolatry or harm in the Kingdom of God.

It was time for us to grow deep, grow tall, and begin bearing fruit.

*While these questions always apply to our heart posture, they are not always applicable for decisions made inside abusive contexts and families. While we’ll talk about this more one day, we want to note right here and right now that when such profound relational brokenness is present, the relationship you are called to protect first and foremost is the one you have with God.