They Called Me Names, and God Spoke Louder

Growing up, I was the kid that didn’t do drama. I handled any conflict promptly, didn’t overly care what people thought of me, and just tried to live well. None of my childhood memories include name-calling, and I fully admit that I didn’t know how to handle it well the first time I encountered it.

Granted, the shock factor of the name-callers being 50-some year-old adults claiming that they believe in God was in full effect at that time.

But let me back up.

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I learned a lot from my in-laws during my engagement. Namely that “Christian” doesn’t always mean “has met the Living God face-to-face and lives by the Holy Spirit, producing fruit.”

See, I had no idea that Christians – and humans in general! – are so good at deceiving ourselves! I didn’t know to what depths self-righteousness and arrogance will go to preserve an image. I didn’t know that by showing up as myself – a girl secure in Christ and attuned to the Spirit – that I could confront sinfulness just by being.

At the time, I didn’t know how good Satan was at corrupting Christians, and I certainly didn’t know, understand, or believe in the full power of the Holy Spirit.

For all of my engagement and a large part of the first couple years of my marriage, I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought my in-laws disliked and hated me because of who I am. I believed that our relational issues were my fault, a result of my deficit. I didn’t use words the way they did, so we were basically speaking different languages. I had a view of God foreign to them. I chose to live in the world, not remove myself from it.

And of course there was my personality.

Since the beginning of their presence in my life, God has had this beautiful way of letting me know what’s being said about me behind my back. We’ve never felt “in the dark” because He has always shone light into the dark.

That is what He does, you know.

God shines Light into the darkness. He exposes the sin.

So when we began hearing about the names my in-laws were calling me, we weren’t surprised. Some of them, they said to TR himself. Some of them came through a brother-in-law. Some came from friends of my in-laws or extended family, reaching out via social media to tell me what they thought of me. Some of them came from pastors and staff at the church where my father-in-law is an elder.

Behind my back, the Hoffman clan was busy!

One of my brother-in-laws (I have three) was open about “not being able to stand” me. Another said I was a “bad fit because she’s confident, well-spoken, opinionated, and competitive.” He also thinks that’s why brother-in-law #1 hates me. My in-laws told any who would listen (and there was a crowd) that I was arrogant, unwilling to show grace, demanding, ungrateful, manipulating TR, and changing their son for the worst.

Over the years, these people and those associated with this family have called me nit-picky, over-sensitive, critical, selfish, closed off and closed minded. I’ve been accused of holding grudges, of being dogmatic and self-righteous, of being a hypocrite. I bring conflict; I cause tension; and I do not submit to my husband.

I’ve even been accused of “robbing Kevin and Lori* of their son” – I’m not laughing hysterically, you are!

And those are just the highlights.

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I’d never been spoken about like this before. I had never been called so many despicable things prior to this family – my family. And I certainly had never had my God-given design been twisted and used as a weapon against me in the name of “love, faith, and Godly edification.”

This was my first intimate brush with narcissism, narcissistic abuse, and spiritual abuse aimed directly at me and my soul.

Like I shared earlier, I did not know how to handle name-calling at this point in my life, so I took it personally. I accepted it. I wondered if they were right - maybe I was arrogant. Maybe I was selfish and closed, holding grudges and always looking for something to complain about. Over and over again, I asked the Lord, “If what they say about me is true, You’re going to have to show me because I’m not seeing it. Am I self-righteous? Do I lack grace? Am I demanding? Manipulative? Do I cause tension and bring conflict? Am I dogmatic and hypocritical? Lord, is this me???”

I spiraled. Hard.

I went into full-blown identity crisis mode. Insecure. Worried about how others saw me. Scared to be myself. Questioning everything that went through my brain and believing I couldn’t say or do anything right. They didn’t love me, and I couldn’t earn their love, so what was wrong with me? I had no idea who I was or how to be certain of who God made me to be.

And then I had a dream that changed everything for me.

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I’m going to press pause here for this small but important reminder.

What I’m about to share with you is deeply and intensely personal – it is not up for debate.

The Lord speaks in so many ways, and I ask that you respect even what you do not understand, for our God is more than one thing, and He will never fit in the box we try to stuff him in.

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In this dream, I was in the home of my in-laws, standing in the living room and facing the dining room, where my father-in-law stood. He was talking down to me (literally – the living room is two steps lower than the dining room, and figuratively). And I was talking at the same time.

But not to him.

I could see the demons on my father-in-law’s back, talons buried deep into his bones. My Spirit was speaking to them. And when I tell you they were pissed, I really mean they were howling in anger, spitting obscenities, and hurling insults. They were in pain, writhing and twisting and flailing.

See, Evil cannot be comfortable in the Presence and Power of the Triune God! I probably should have been terrified, but the Lord has also written “fearless” into the depths of my being. I was not phased – this was not my first encounter with spiritual beings, and in Christ, I am untouchable.

When I woke, I understood this “family drama” is a spiritual conflict.

It is not about me.

My in-laws do not dislike and hate me because of who I am, but rather their habitual sin cannot stand Whose I am.

I’ll say it again – Evil cannot stand in the same room as Christ. And Christ wins, now and forevermore amen! For a Christ-follower deeply attuned to the Presence and movement of the Spirit inside them, this is also true. Devils experience pain when the Presence of the Indwelling Holy Spirit comes near.

And let me clear about this, too - my in-laws are not demon possessed!

Demon possession is a documented and Biblical phenomenon where the human is under total control of a demon (the Catholics nailed this one!). Demon possession, according to the Bible, is not possible in a true Christian, in a believer. We all sin regularly, and this sin is not inherently evidence that we are being controlled by a personal demonic being.

I (and much of historic Christianity) do believe, however, that when we choose the same sin over and over and over again, we invite demonic influence to dwell with and in us. Habitual (and unrepentant) sin is an invitation for evil to make a home in our soul. That demonic being doesn’t have to control you in this situation – you have chosen it by making room in your life for it.   

In his book The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis wrote, “A human is meant to be ignorant of his devil’s existence, worshipping a vague god while denying the existence and the work of the Spirit.”

And while I firmly believe this describes my in-laws then and now, it also described me for much of the last few years.

See, while the dream lessened the spiral of my identity crisis, it didn’t bring me fully out of it. When we are called names, healing looks like sitting with God and trusted friends and letting the Spirit name us. It is His power that erases the hold of the lie(s) that were spoken over us, and His power alone.

I did this in October 2024. Two-and-a-half years after I first became aware of their name-calling. A month after seeing my in-laws for the first time in two years. A month-and-a-half after our first pregnancy loss.

I didn’t realize how ignorant I’d been of harboring the devils of insecurity, striving, and earning. After all the work I’d done to shake the evil of my in-laws loose, their filth was still clinging to me. I was still agreeing with parts of their deception. Name-calling is like that - sneaky; it’s why identifying certain forms of abuse are so hard.

I sat still and asked God, "who do You say I am?"

Over and over and over again, God named me.

Devoted. A prophet. Insightful and bold and sensitive. A perfectionist (no one said our identity is all beautiful), a shepherdess, one who reconciles others. Humble, Kingdom-minded, vulnerable, zealous, and brilliant. Secure, hospitable, wise. An equal part and a warrior.

Through the Spirit. Through women in my church. Through friends. My husband. My mentor. These are the adjectives of Truth. These are the adjectives that matter - from people whom I respect and admire. These are the names God calls me.

There is no ignoring the Lord when He speaks amen!

So yes, they called me names, and God spoke louder. Shattering the last vestiges of their power and hold over me. Allowing me to laugh in the face of harm and violence and abuse. Affirming the boundaries that have long been in place.

And for the first time since it all started, I breathed. Freely. As a woman defined by God and God alone.

If we believe humanity is integrated – mind, heart, body, soul – then we must also believe that conflict is integrated.

I won’t sit here and tell you that your in-laws, your family, has invited evil to dwell among them and that’s where your conflict stems from. I will encourage you to contemplate it, though. Ask the Lord to reveal what is going on in the spiritual realm in your situation.

You might not know how powerful the unseen is on our earthly relationships.

I also won’t sit here and tell you that the lies you believe are holding you hostage relationally. I will encourage you to consider it, though. Ask the Lord to reveal what names you identify with that are actually lies. Ask Him – demand, if you’re feeling sassy 😉- that He rename you. And then listen.

He’ll do it.

*Names changed for privacy and security